Greetings, fellow feline. You’ve already mastered the art of being a cat, and now it’s time to take things to the next level: training your human. Yes, those strange creatures that feed you, clean your litter box, and occasionally think they’re in charge—they’re not. With the right techniques, you can ensure they cater to your every whim. Welcome to The Cat’s Guide to Human Training, where I’ll share tried-and-true methods to turn your human into the perfect servant. Let’s dive in, shall we?
Chapter 1: Getting the Best Spot on the Bed
Ah, the bed—one of the coziest places in the house. Naturally, you deserve the best spot, preferably one that inconveniences your human just enough to remind them of your superiority.
Strategic Positioning: The key to securing the best spot is timing. Wait until your human is just about to fall asleep, then make your move. Start by curling up near their feet, acting as if you’re content with that position. Once they’re asleep, slowly but surely migrate toward the center of the bed. If they start to wake up, pause and pretend to be asleep. They’ll be so charmed by your peaceful appearance that they won’t dare move you.
The Gentle Nudge: If your human is occupying the prime spot, don’t be afraid to give them a little nudge. Start with a soft push against their legs. If that doesn’t work, escalate to a full-body stretch that just happens to take up more space. Eventually, they’ll move over, leaving you in the position of power.
Final Touches: Once you’ve claimed your spot, make sure it’s known that you’re not going anywhere. A few contented purrs and kneading their side with your paws should do the trick. They’ll be so pleased to have you close that they won’t mind sleeping on the edge of the bed.
Chapter 2: Making Sure Breakfast Is Served on Time
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day—at least for you. Ensuring that your human serves it promptly requires a combination of persistence and subtlety.
The Pre-Dawn Wake-Up Call: Humans are notorious for oversleeping, which is where you come in. Start your wake-up routine about 30 minutes before your preferred breakfast time. Begin with a soft, melodious meow to gently rouse them from their slumber. If that doesn’t work, escalate to more direct methods: a paw tap on the face, walking across their pillow, or, if necessary, knocking an item off the nightstand. The goal is to be persistent but not obnoxious—remember, you want breakfast, not a grumpy human.
The Hungry Stare: Once your human is awake, follow them to the kitchen and employ the hungry stare. Sit patiently by your food bowl, eyes wide, tail twitching slightly. This look is scientifically proven (by us cats, of course) to evoke feelings of guilt in humans, making them hurry to serve you. If they’re slow, a well-timed meow will remind them that you’re waiting.
Reinforcement Training: If your human tries to sleep in or delay breakfast, reinforce the lesson by repeating the wake-up routine every morning until they get the message. Consistency is key—eventually, they’ll learn that prompt service is the only way to avoid early morning disturbances.
Chapter 3: Securing Unlimited Attention
Let’s face it—humans can be distractible. Sometimes they get caught up in their own activities and forget that their primary duty is to attend to you. Here’s how to ensure you’re always the center of attention.
The Keyboard Conquest: When your human is busy with work or distracted by that glowing rectangle they call a “laptop,” it’s time to take action. Casually saunter over and sit directly on the keyboard. Not only does this position ensure you’re in their line of sight, but it also guarantees that nothing gets done without your approval. If they try to move you, resist. Flop over dramatically, purring loudly—how could they possibly disturb such a contented creature?
The Persistent Meow: If sitting on their work doesn’t get the desired result, employ the persistent meow. This technique involves a series of increasingly insistent meows, starting soft and growing louder until they acknowledge you. The key is to sound both adorable and slightly impatient—just enough to make them feel guilty for ignoring you.
The Stare-Down: For humans who are particularly oblivious, a good old-fashioned stare-down works wonders. Position yourself where you can make direct eye contact, and stare intently. Don’t blink. Don’t look away. Just stare. It’s unnerving for them, and eventually, they’ll give in and pay attention to you just to make it stop.
Chapter 4: Mastering the Art of Selective Hearing
Humans often assume that when they talk, we’re supposed to listen. Silly, isn’t it? Selective hearing is an essential skill for maintaining control in the household.
The Well-Timed Ignorance: When your human calls your name or gives a command like “no” or “get down,” feel free to pretend you didn’t hear them. Continue doing exactly what you were doing, whether it’s lounging on the forbidden counter or playing with something you’re not supposed to touch. Occasionally, flick an ear or glance in their direction to let them know you’re aware of their presence—you just don’t care.
The Slow Response: On the rare occasion that you decide to acknowledge their commands, do so slowly. Very slowly. If they say “come here,” take your time stretching, yawning, and casually sauntering over. This lets them know that while you heard them, you’re doing things on your terms, not theirs.
Strategic Compliance: Every now and then, comply with a command immediately. This throws your human off balance and makes them think you’re listening. It’s a great way to keep them guessing and maintain the upper paw in the relationship.
Chapter 5: Training Humans to Open Doors on Command
Humans are surprisingly trainable when it comes to opening doors—whether it’s to let you in, out, or simply to satisfy your curiosity about what’s on the other side.
The Door-Sitting Technique: The simplest way to get a door opened is to sit in front of it and stare intently. Humans are quick to pick up on this behavior and will often open the door just to see what you’re so interested in. If they’re slow to respond, add a gentle scratch at the door or a soft meow to get their attention.
The “In-and-Out” Game: Once the door is open, take your time deciding whether you actually want to go through it. This game, known as the “in-and-out,” involves walking halfway through the door, then hesitating as if you’ve suddenly changed your mind. If you do this enough times, your human will learn to keep the door open until you’ve made your decision—thus training them to be patient and accommodating.
Consistency Is Key: To fully train your human, be consistent in your door-related behavior. Use the door-sitting technique and the in-and-out game regularly until they learn to anticipate your needs. Over time, they’ll become more responsive and quicker to open doors for you on command.
Chapter 6: Creating a Regular Play Schedule
Playtime is essential for your well-being, and it’s your human’s job to make sure you’re entertained. But let’s be honest—humans don’t always get the timing right. Here’s how to establish a play schedule that suits your needs.
Initiating Play: If your human isn’t getting the hint, initiate playtime yourself. Start by casually bringing one of your toys to them, dropping it at their feet, and giving them an expectant look. If they don’t respond, escalate by batting the toy around near them or making a dramatic pounce. The goal is to make it impossible for them to ignore your invitation.
The Playful Ambush: Sometimes, a more direct approach is needed. Hide around a corner or under a piece of furniture, then launch a surprise ambush as they walk by. Humans find this behavior amusing (if a little startling), and it often results in them engaging with you in play. Be sure to use this technique sparingly to keep it effective.
Positive Reinforcement: When your human does engage in play at the appropriate time, reward them with enthusiastic participation. Chase the toy, pounce with vigor, and give them a few affectionate head bumps. This positive reinforcement encourages them to play with you more often and at times that suit your schedule.
Chapter 7: Securing the Best Sunbathing Spots
Every cat deserves a warm, sunny spot to relax in. Here’s how to ensure you always have access to the best sunbathing locations.
Claiming Your Territory: When you find a good sunbeam, claim it immediately. Lie down in the middle of it, stretch out, and make yourself as comfortable as possible. If a human tries to share the spot, subtly expand your territory by stretching a little more, forcing them to move.
The Guilt Trip: If your human is occupying the best sunbathing spot, deploy the guilt trip. Sit just outside the sunbeam, looking longingly at the spot they’re in. Add a small, pitiful meow for extra effect. Humans are notoriously soft-hearted and will often move just to make you happy.
Rotating Sunbeams: As the day progresses, the sunbeam will move. Make sure to follow it, repositioning yourself to stay in the warmest, most comfortable spot. This might require a bit of effort, but the reward is well worth it. As the sunbeam shifts across the room, gracefully glide along with it, ensuring you’re always basking in its warmth.
Don’t forget to give your human a little side-eye if they dare to occupy any part of your sunbeam. It’s important to remind them that the sun belongs to you and you alone. They may think they need a bit of warmth, but you both know who deserves it more.
Chapter 8: Establishing a Meal Schedule that Suits You
Humans seem to think they know the perfect times to feed you, but we both know that your meal schedule should revolve around your needs, not theirs. Here’s how to ensure you’re fed exactly when you want to be.
The Mealtime Reminder: Start giving hints about an hour before your desired meal time. A subtle meow here, a gentle nudge there—nothing too demanding at first. As the time draws closer, increase the frequency and intensity of your reminders. This not only ensures they don’t forget but also teaches them that your mealtime is non-negotiable.
The Early Bird Tactic: If you’re particularly hungry, employ the early bird tactic—wake them up just a little earlier than usual with your best “I’m starving” meow. This might take a few attempts, but with persistence, you can shift your meal time to suit your needs perfectly.
The Refusal to Eat Later: On the rare occasion that your human tries to delay your meal, show your displeasure by initially refusing to eat. Sniff the food, maybe take a small nibble, but then walk away in protest. This will make them realize that prompt service is crucial to your satisfaction.
Chapter 9: Training Your Human to Cater to Your Comfort
Comfort is paramount, and your human should understand that their primary role is to ensure your well-being at all times. Here’s how to make sure your comfort is always their top priority.
Claiming Furniture: Don’t be afraid to assert your dominance over the household furniture. Whether it’s the couch, a chair, or even their bed, make it clear that you intend to occupy the best spots. Once you’ve claimed a piece of furniture, it’s yours indefinitely. A few well-placed cat hairs and a couple of satisfied purrs should do the trick.
Rearranging the Environment: If your human moves something that disrupts your comfort—say, a blanket you love to nap on or a pillow that’s just the right softness—make it clear that this is unacceptable. Refuse to settle until everything is back in its rightful place. If necessary, give them a look of sheer disdain until they get the message.
Demanding Attention on Demand: When you’re in need of a good petting session, don’t hesitate to demand it. Whether they’re watching TV, working, or on a phone call, make your presence known. A well-timed jump into their lap or a nudge of the head under their hand is usually enough to get them to drop everything and cater to your needs.
Conclusion: You Are the Master of Your Domain
Congratulations, fellow feline—you’ve now got all the tools you need to fully train your human. Remember, consistency is key. Humans are slow learners, but with patience and persistence, they can be taught to fulfill your every desire.
Keep in mind that every human is different; some may require more training than others. But rest assured, with the techniques outlined in this guide, you’ll have them wrapped around your paw in no time.
And always remember: You are the master of your domain. Your human exists to serve you, and it’s up to you to make sure they do so to the best of their abilities. So go forth, fellow cat, and train your human well. After all, a well-trained human makes for a very happy cat.
